Ask Ex-wife to Baby Sit Whilst on Date
Dear Therapist: I'chiliad Dating a Divorced Man With Kids, and It's Harder Than I Thought
His ex-married woman is constantly texting and calling him about problems with their kids, and I tin't help but experience annoyed.
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Dear Therapist,
I've been dating Adam for 2 and a half years. I'one thousand 33 and childless, and he's 48, divorced, and the male parent of three kids. Nosotros seem to keep having the same fights about his needy ex-married woman and the negative impact she has on our relationship.
Despite my wish to appear mature and chill, I have a strong distaste for the ex-wife. She doesn't work, and she collects disability from the government and spousal back up and child back up from Adam. She attaches herself to every disquiet for which she can find a symptom, and is on all kinds of medication. The kids' main residence is with her, and Adam has the kids a few days a week. The ex constantly sends Adam texts near the kids, from mundane details to complaints nigh their behavior. Quite ofttimes she calls Adam hoping that he can "ready them straight." I'm certain that she'southward the cause of all that chaos, because the kids never become out of control with Adam, and I've only seen them be pleasant.
Every time Adam's ringtone goes off, my stomach churns because I feel so violated and intruded on by her. Adam knows how I experience and tries to handle these situations without hurting my feelings, but it's really hard to care for the kids while keeping the ex out considering she has completely tied herself to the kids. Adam and I dear each other securely and cherish being in each other's lives, simply a shadow of the ex-wife seems to loom over and create tension between us. I try hard not to feel similar a victim in all of this because I sympathise that it's my choice to exist with him, but I tin can't help feeling robbed of something that should exist mine. I'1000 open up to any suggestions and perspectives.
Ginger
Rochester, New York
Dear Ginger,
Although Adam's ex-wife doesn't seem to be treatment things well—and I can imagine how disruptive her texts are—this is also an issue between you and Adam, and at that place are several ways to brand this situation work better. Some of them are practical, which I'll get to in a minute. But others volition require you both to talk about your expectations in this relationship.
While you lot want to be with Adam, you must empathise that the person you're in beloved with is somebody who has a family. He comes with his children, and his children come with their mother. There's no such matter as Adam without them—that version of Adam simply doesn't exist. And when a person who doesn't have firsthand feel as a parent becomes romantically involved with a divorced parent, he or she tin struggle to understand the parent'southward experience and the directions he or she is pulled in, both emotionally and logistically.
It sounds like Adam is trying to please everyone and ends up feeling trapped. If he doesn't respond to his ex'southward calls for help with the kids, he might worry that they aren't okay and that he's neglecting their needs. But if he does answer, he might worry that he's making you experience angry or unimportant. Ultimately, he responds not because he doesn't care about your relationship, but because, similar it or not, his kids are his priority.
If you can begin to really have and ultimately cover the reality that his kids come up showtime without taking information technology personally, and so you lot and Adam can sit down and effigy out what can be done to ameliorate the situation with their mother. One option might be for Adam and his ex to see a therapist who tin help them navigate their co-parenting system, creating parameters and offer tools for handling the kids when his ex is alone with them. If it turns out that even with these parameters and tools, she's unable to care for the kids without calling for assist, he tin attempt to alter the custody arrangement until she works out her own issues and feels capable of caring for them solo. But this would take time, involve disharmonize, and also hateful that the kids would be more than of a presence in your life—which brings me back to the package bargain I mentioned earlier.
I recollect you should consider how y'all experience about Adam's kids two and a half years into this human relationship, because they aren't going anywhere. How well do you know them? How much time have y'all spent with them? On the days that Adam has the kids, are y'all there, also, or does Adam spend that time alone with them? If y'all and Adam get married, these three kids volition be your stepchildren, and my approximate is that you don't know them very well, because kids—like people of all ages—aren't always "pleasant" and sometimes—again, like adults—"become out of control." I imagine that they're going through their own struggles related to the divorce—adjusting to two homes, to their mother's less-than-stable state of affairs, and also, don't forget, to a adult female in their dad'due south life. They may be "on" when they're around yous, the style kids tend to exist around people they don't know well, merely if yous knew them on a deeper level, you might come across more than of a range of their internal experience, which probably has its ups and downs. Of course they'll be different around their mom; naturally, they'll find information technology easier to cocky-regulate in Adam's calmer, more stable household. Simply they aren't completely different people. Afterward 2 and a half years, yous'd have seen some less-than-pleasant beliefs if y'all were making a concerted effort to integrate them into your life.
At the same time, I understand that in an platonic globe, the kids would accept a more stable and cocky-sufficient mother who wouldn't intrude on your time with Adam. You say that you experience "robbed of something that should be" yours, and while you admittedly should have some uninterrupted time with Adam and parameters set in place, it volition exist important for you and Adam to talk nearly his needs as well. For instance, he may miss his kids when they're with their mom and enjoy some of the "mundane" details his ex sends, fifty-fifty if he's bothered by her other calls and texts. He may welcome a goodnight call or text every single dark from his kids, even if yous're cuddled up watching Netflix together or in the middle of a candlelit dinner. Parenting requires a lot of selflessness but also has many rewards. Similarly, stepparenting requires a lot of selflessness and has the potential to come up with rewards, but it besides comes with a stipulation—one you have to decide whether you tin live with. And that's this: If you and his kids were drowning in the ocean, I can assure you lot that Adam would rescue his kids before you. You're going to have to cover the fact that your beau is a father and was before he met you, and if yous desire to be with him, yous'll take to make peace with what it is you're signing upward for.
Hopefully, Adam will be willing to get some professional help in navigating his co-parenting situation, fifty-fifty if his ex-wife declines to participate with him. Just remember that you lot ii have some navigating to do, too, in figuring out what your life together will expect like in this blended family. Now's the time to be honest with each other well-nigh how he envisions yous plumbing equipment into his life in its entirety—kids and ex-married woman included—and how you envision that happening likewise. If you aren't interested in working through the complications and many inconveniences that will surely arise, even once this particular issue gets sorted out, you may want to think about dating someone without young kids.
Honey Therapist is for informational purposes only, does non constitute medical communication, and is non a substitute for professional person medical communication, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the communication of your doctor, mental-health professional, or other qualified wellness provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical status. By submitting a letter, you lot are agreeing to allow The Atlantic use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.
Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/01/how-do-i-deal-my-boyfriends-ex-wife/581287/
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